Published to FB Notes on March 2 2016
Years ago, I was one of the first members of a Facebook group called Lil Mamas, started by someone I considered a friend. After a while I started questioning my place in the group as they heavily endorsed non-science (anti-vax stances and pro-essential oil sales) and tried to label pro-science voices as bullies. There were repeated offenses against marginalised groups or just general offensive-speak being written off as being moms who DGAF and are “bad bitches.” Also the group started being a mom-emporium of MLM campaigns who seemed to have a personal stake in the 3D mascara and essential oils pyramid schemes.
I finally left the group two years ago after my #loveforleni campaign because it became painfully clear to me that the group was being run by clique-y bigots who seems to only care about causes that benefited non-ethnic people as they repeatedly banded together and raise funds for other White children and White mothers with the endorsement of the Lil Mama banner and I couldn’t get a single co-sign from the group for a little half Asian baby. Even after I pointed this out to the Lil Mama leaders, they continued to only endorse and raise support for White families. They only threw their support behind one Woman of Color once (that I have been made aware of.)
The silliness I saw in most mom-groups made me start a Tumblr called #themommygroupfiles (since hidden.) Moms in groups all over started sending me screen shots of silly things being shared in mom groups via a Tumblr submission module (or via email non-anonymously.) I started noticing a trend in mom groups as it related to nanny-shaming (posting photos of “nannies” and reprimanding how they are doing their work and asking the group if this was their nanny or a nanny they knew, because “if it were their nanny they’d want to know”) which seemed like a blatant expression of racism, in addition to being slanderous. In one particularly nanny-shaming heavy group called “LA Mommies,” I posted that for every nanny shaming post I saw, I would take a picture from my office which looks down on a park and post a photo of a nanny who was doing a good job because wouldn’t YOU want to know if you nanny was doing a good job? The LA Mommies called for my head for mocking their concern/racism. My “friend” who started Lil Mama’s, was also in the group. She wrote the admin and told her of my Tumblr, even tho I had never used a screen shot of the LA Mommies group. The admin was so stressed out about the nanny posts and #themommygroupfiles that I voluntarily removed myself because I told her a labor of love shouldn’t be stressing her life out offline. And we left on great terms.
It doesn’t surprise me that Lil Mama’s had an implosion this last week over….YOU GUESSED IT…racism. What does surprise me is that it took so long. The post that caused the massive exodus was a post about the “crazy pre-baby days” and multiple accounts of “chocolate sex.” This admins allowed the post to live as more and more women shared their crazy pre-baby lives and more accounts of “chocolate sex.” Maybe the admin was busy being a contestant on a very popular singing competition. The insensitivity that they wore proudly as “bad bitches” and the growing awareness of the public on topics like Cultural sensitivity and Racism, it was long overdue to head in that direction. It seems oddly coincidental that the shuttering of Hilary Frank’s Longest Shortest Time FB group happened right before it. New York Magazine did a story about it’s downfall but missed the mark on really addressing what really triggered the descent of such a beloved group, even tho the author was given plenty of information on it. (Selective reading?) One guess on what that trigger was. Racism, again. Luckily, a friend captured it effectively and eloquently in a Medium post: On the suffocating whiteness of mom groups.
Even now, the group that was born out of the shuttering of LST is working hard to try to find a respectful balance, having a no-tolerance policy on racism and bigotry or silencing marginalised voices, while allowing the group the freedom to discuss complex issues and not limiting speech or opinions. Groups like this (which will remain unnamed) are actively trying hard to be allies while other groups like Tula in the Wild: Uncensored seem to thrive off of being as “anti-political correctness” as possible. But yesterday, a mother in the TITW:Uncensored group who works at Wic office said, in the comfort and safety of the group, that she skips over “obviously made up names” (effectively denying them WIC support.) Another woman in TITW reported the employee and has received a visceral backlash from the group. (Documented on her page here.) You can also see how moms and “educators” speak to marginalised groups who dare speak up in this thread about Cultural Appropriation.
Happy Hooligans I am sorry you have chosen to be offended
This is the world that mothers of color have to go through as we navigate the engrossing Whiteness of mom communities. Will it change anytime soon? When people like Drumpf win big on Super Tuesday, it’s hard not to feel hopeless and say, no.
Updated 3/2 8:06pm to include the information on the racist post in Lil Mama’s.
